March 25, 2009

For the Neighbours

Crowded House’s ‘Weather with you’, is cranked on my speakers right now because its how I feel. Last week, my neighbors told me that they haven’t heard a sound from me lately. As I turn up the volume dial I question whether I’m overstepping my luck. It’s like I stepped out into the darkness of a cool night. My nerves are on fire. It’s eight, I haven’t had a bite to eat since two, but I’m too much preoccupied to eat.

I feel like I could go on writing for days and days and days and days. Maybe I’m just happy to have something to write about. Maybe I’m just happy to feel this way again even in the face of so much uncertainty around me.

I was talking to one of the exes the other day and the subject of my single status came up. It used to trouble me when I wasn’t dating anyone. I did everything I could to stay in a relationship, no matter how destructive it was and was successful until mid last year. For some reason though, I have recently stopped caring about being in a relationship. “You must be really happy”, my ex said, “If something that big doesn’t bother you anymore”.

It was true, but I never realized it until I spoke to him. All the fine things in life have easily overshadowed the terrible. There isn’t a single thing that I can point at and explain why, but it’s happened — steadily with time — over last year or so. I’ve become very comfortable with myself. I’m happy with who I am. The self- belief I’ve acquired, my luck in having great friends, the freedom my folks have given me have all contributed I’m sure. The small things don’t bother me anymore, and almost everything is a small thing. I still lose sight of the big picture every now and then and get into one of my moods, but they don’t last as long as they used to.

I don’t want to rely on tabs, or alcohol, or anything at all to make myself feel better. I want to be sure that I can handle things, no matter what, on my own. I force myself to feel every traumatic, unhappy, sad emotion, so that I know that I can get through them.

Sometimes, every day can be a test. Music and writing are the only things that I allow myself.

And that’s where I love to be.

Getting back to the music- every song is a time stamp. A point in life, made obvious by the particular moment that it’s first heard in. In this instant, the setting, conditions, and sentiment all become connected.
There’s a song for everything, from a single moment — like your high school graduation — to an entire year — like making love to the person who held your world at his fingertip.

Perhaps my childhood is such a blur because I never started listening to music until I was about 15; there was no way my mind could relate to experiences.
It’s time I turned up the music. It’s time I put some food in my stomach. It’s time I got myself in the shower. It’s time I got some Law & Order and it’s time you hit play on the track below.

‘Weather with you’ by Crowded House.

2 Pulses Say:

Unknown said...

Hmm. Being comfortable with who we are. i am kind of struggling with it these days; happy to know that someone else is faring better. Keep it up girlie.

Eveline said...

It occurs in phases... i guess there will come a time when i'll feel out of it again but i guess the hope of knowing that things will eventually look up... hey that's bound to not get you down :)