June 23, 2008

The Modernist Dance

Yeah, I’ve been on this weird trip and I just wish this phase would pass. I usually make it to church Sunday mornings, no matter what. It’s not just a way to reinforce my beliefs; it also gives me some time to be alone. Who knows I might hear a word or two that would help me. This Sunday felt just worse. It was that sick empty feeling crawling in my stomach when I watched couples come into church. It really bugged me that I cared about this so much. I hate it when I start getting down about being alone when there are so many great things about being single. I love my independence, my freedom to do whatever I want when I want to. Yet as I sat in church I looked at wives caressing their husbands and husbands stroking the necks of their wives while the preacher spoke. I just couldn’t help thinking, I want that. I have this fabulous life and I just want someone to share it with. I don’t think that’s much to ask. I don’t need a boyfriend, I just want one. The only thing that bugs me about meeting men at church is the idea of some of these churchy types. Girls, you know what I’m talking about. The plain Joe, dorky, I love you Jesus type that wants to impress you by kissing your father's ass. But I figured there has to be other people out there like me. More spiritual than religious?

Last night I was having what I’d like to call Social Anxiety Phobia. The idea of being home with my folks filled me with panic and I couldn’t stand it. I tried making plans to see the Galeej Gurus’ concert at Alliance Francaise but even thinking about it, I could tell, wasn’t going to help. I wanted to have a low key night and talk to my lost friend who should be back in B’lore now. The rest of the gang went for the play. It didn’t feel like I missed out on anything really. Sometimes, even though you’re surrounded by people, you can still feel completely alone.

My team lead, Ruan, Runa and me called RJ today. She’s back in L.A and her roomies threw her a huge welcome back party. Man, I miss her. Ruan says that every time she uses RJ’s hairdryer she can smell her. Every time I look at the colour of my hair I’m reminded of her.

Heard ‘I am the Walrus’ by The Beatles. That song makes no sense to me but its super fun. I love singing it out and annoying my friends. :D There is actually a course in the U.S called ‘Beatles Appreciation’. Lennon had supposedly explained in many interviews that these were just nonsensical lyrics that he often liked using. He made this song sound really catchy and fabulous yet the lyrics are crazy and have absolutely no meaning. I’d still like to think that there’s a message in the beginning:

‘I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together’

This version of the song has been sung by Bono and played by the Secret Machines.