July 05, 2008

What Am I, Chopped Liver?

So many things bothered me when I was much younger, especially the way I looked. It constantly made me burst out in self-pity. Now, I feel sorry for my boyfriends of the past who had to put up with my anger and self- loathing. I can’t really say that I’ve gotten over all the insecurities and vulnerabilities. But now I feel like I’m in a much better place. Parts of my heart have been fractured, not by others but by my own choices and my own inability to make good choices.

Last night, I went to the Opus to watch Tony play. I don’t remember any of the songs sung, but I do remember Tony strumming the place red. Before I got to the venue I had a major brawl with my folks. Bad news, I’m not moving out. Now, I won’t have to reach into my savings or dream about the blinds and d├ęcor I want to pick out for the new place.

Anyways, back to the show. So I went to Opus with the intention of getting myself piss drunk. I get there and say a little prayer- ‘puh-leez let me not see the crooner tonight, NOT TONIGHT!’ God apparently had plans of his own because as soon as I realized that the coast was clear, HE walks in….and what a walk that was. I keep playing the moment in my head. Each time slower and slower. Okay, I need to snap out of it. So, he walks in and…and… Lord! I need to stop doing this. Moving on… he meets all his buddies and then sits at our table. That boy had some testicular fortitude to sit at my table after all the shit he’s given me. I spared myself no mercy and downed the screwdrivers as fast as I could. Things went hazy. My mind felt light and the guys on stage were like a movie playing on mute. CK asked me to sit next to him, so I did. The crooner sat next to him. We got into a conversation. After 6 months we actually talked. Somewhere during our banter CK disappeared and it was just the two of us. Conversation turned to flirting- involuntary on my part! And before we knew it, I was wiping sauce off his skin and he spoke of our dates. We fought to pay the bill. He paid it, but it was stupendously sensational when he held my hand for that brief moment. Look at me, I sure sound like one love struck puppy. It was time to go and I was so drunk, I couldn’t stand so I was escorted out of the place with the help of my crew. I hugged my crooner and left. I don’t remember what happened after that. My mind kinda went into shut down mode.

Checked my messages in the morning. One from the crooner. Ignored it. There’s no way I’m putting behind the hours and days of hurt and giving into him this easy. Spent the rest of the day with my niece. I never thought I would love anyone else, other than me, so much. I don’t really intend to have kids of my own so this one will always be my treasure.

Ah, Tori Amos. Her music sounds like an eclectic mix of intoxicating fervor. Ever seen her videos? It’s quite a sight. She can make any guy strip and every woman gay with the way she takes to the piano, legs placed quite seductively. While she sings she tosses her curly tresses- the movement magical, exquisite and slow. The world seems so beautiful.
In 2000 , Tori had been placed into the Rock n Pop Hall of Fame. She was one of the few women to be placed into this hall of fame so far.

The track below was without a doubt her biggest hit. It's not difficult to see why. It's a trip, it’s catchy and you can tune-out to it. She’s always given her fans something to slobber over. This is one of my favorites. If you don’t own a Tori Amos album I seriously suggest you go out and get it. It's well worth owning.

(You'd might want to turn up the volume on this track)