It is at last certain that I am old.
And what has made me accept this sudden revelation? Is it because my back aches whenever I sit for too long or because I’m constantly sighing? Or is it the abundant use of white eye shadow I’m forced to resort to conceal my tiredness? The trouble I have in remembering simple words? No, it’s none of these. But it’s something quite close. I don’t get my tummy. And before those of you who know me say, oh no, you look great, let me tell you that I weighed more the past few weeks than I have in 5 years. How does this makes me old, you ask. Well, my body is slowing down. The rate of losing fat has been abnormally unhurried. Now, when I really want to fit into something tight, I realize I actually have a stomach that doesn’t look too enticing on my tiny frame. I was soon thrown into a mental picture of a fat woman with flabby parts bumping into people. The entire thing was disastrous and I decided I needed to go on a diet immediately. I am considering organ removal. That ought to be my passport to weight loss. I don’t really need both of my kidneys anyways.
There are other options of course,
1. I’d hang on to my organs and just start shooting up. I hear meth/heroin addiction seems to keep people quite thin.
2. But then I also hear TB is totally the way to go these days for weight loss. Problem is, how would I kiss my boyfriend (not that I have one, but if I do) through an oxygen mask? Nevermind.
3. meth + hepatitis = model.
4. Fluid retention.
5. Good old fashioned food poisoning I hear helps you drop seven pounds in a week. I'm sure I can find plenty of eateries around here to help me out with contracting it.
6. Thoughts to bulimia?
These should work, but they all seem bloody extreme. I’ll most likely lose the weight but I’m sure I’ll look quite terrible once it’s done (in the unlikely event that I actually survive).
As of yesterday, I’ve started working on an exercise routine at home which will help me get some abs instead of a cute bulge as everyone else likes to call it. My diet will of course exclude avoidance of alcohol and meat. For I surely will die if I don’t have them. If you can help, please let me know. That’s if you’re willing to be helpful to the aged.
Why won’t I go to the gym? Oh no! A couple of days at the gym below my office left me quite embarrassed when I almost fainted. I looked so graceless, I couldn’t stand it. I wanted the floor to open up, swallow me whole. So I’ve decided that the next time my strength runs out I’ll much better like it if it happened on my floor.
Forgive my shift in music, but while I focus on my health I’ve been searching for music to help me exercise to. I’ve had the amazing luck to find a singer that’s been influenced by Portishead but drapes a delicious dance beat across the song. This is what pop music should aspire to be. Solid verses, catchy chorus, hooks you’ll be humming for days. Honestly, it’s that good. This is magic contained in 3 amazing minutes.
Have fun this weekend in whatever state, country or continent you’re currently residing. Cheers and come back often.
Natalie Walker- 'Pink Neon'