So here I am on a Monday evening eating a spoonful of peanut butter, trying to write a post in my state of sickness and praying that I'll stay calm till Tuesday morning happens, at least, when the whole cycle begins again. ‘Work seriously this week’, I tell myself. It’s going to be the last week with my team; cave in on Friday; get up woozily on a Saturday; worry on Sunday that Monday is hours away. The weather is getting cooler although it’s still a bit warm now and then.
The weekend was unproductive in terms of fun. I didn’t go to church; I just stayed in bed trying to get my health back. Abby, my niece came over to spend some time with me. She wanted me to apply some nail polish on her very tiny fingernails. I had to constantly tell her in a very loud voice,‘Keep still’ because little Abby kept moving about (as would be expected of a 2 yr old).
Today, I watched a movie, a love story and I'm persuaded to write an entry on being in love, but perhaps another time. What I really want to write is related to the movie ‘The Reader’.
“I'm not frightened. I'm not frightened of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Danger will only increase my love. It will sharpen it, forgive its vice. I will be the only angel you need. You will leave life even more beautiful than you ended it. Heaven will take you back and look at you and say: Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love.”
I've often watched movies and read books and heard people say that a piece of them dies when love has ended, or withers away with the disappearance of a lover. Hurt, pining, maybe the end of free will too. If love sets you free and the end of life is a kind of liberation, then how perfect that these two go hand-in-hand, though they aren’t, in anyway, alike.
I wish the time wouldn't rush by so quickly. I wish there weren't so many things to sort out and unravel and comprehend. But while time's speedy quality leaves me barely holding out for things that slip from my fingers it also helps me pass the difficulties. When the end of May arrives, certain decisions will be made for me.
For now, the week begins again. Let's hope I last through it.
To everyone who hasn’t heard of Bat for Lashes before I urge you to explore her music. And to Natasha Khan, I must say that I am glad you’re still making music and I feel honored to be able to spread your talent around.
"natasha khan of bat for lashes ain't scared. I love the harpsichord and the sexual ghost voices and bowed saws. this song seems to come from the world of grimm's fairytales, and i feel like a wolf."
- Thom Yorke, Radiohead