Picture The Past

On Saturday, Dad brought a couple of photos from my late grandfather’s, now lonely standing, house. These have been sitting in a pile in my grandma’s room, out of sight and out of mind. Dad’s shabby effort at a winter clean-up revealed some of our family’s old snapshots and I though that I’d very much like to share it with you.

I don't blog about my folks much these days. To a certain degree, because they read it, and for the most part, because I don't know where to start. My family has been through rough times of late. For a home that, a long time ago, was as interdependent as ours it is overwhelming to see it spacing out so wildly. And all this distancing won't end until each person takes responsibility for their own actions.

I've toiled my way through some very thorny insights which have left in me in essence as being the peace keeper, the intercession strategist, the one who’s supposed to understand everyone else. It troubles me deeply but that's where we rest. Possibly in time things will correct themselves. If they don't...well, I can learn to live with that.

This brings me back to the resurfacing of the mysterious photos. My grandma kept these by her for almost fifty years. After my grandpa died and my dad found them, I claimed them as my own. I didn't want to take the old album apart to scan in the photos, so pardon the less than super pictures.

Parents & siblings, circa 1987.
Perhaps looking at the pictures now is a reminder of how things used to be when everyone didn’t have to try so hard to be together. Maybe the people in these pictures will take a long glance at them now, commit to memory the way things used to be, recall what it was like to beam, and do justice to the man who hasn’t stop smiling ever since he found these carefully hidden pictures and kept us all together, for the longest time, in spite of ourselves.

Love you dad! Happy Birthday!
Switchfoot’s The Beautiful Letdown is among my favorite albums. I think it's a recipe of the music and the recollections. It was life altering for me. I picked it up in college, during my graduation, and it was with me through many changes. Their most awaited seventh studio album ‘Hello Hurricane’ and the lead single off it ‘Mess of me’ were released this year. While I was in doubt about ‘Hello Hurricane’ making it big on the music scene, I was curious. But damn, is it an experience. The thing about the track ‘Mess of me’ is that it exposes things about the band I never expected were there. Jon Foreman's vocals are perfect and who knew he had recorded so many solid solo tracks? The guitar work is insane. It sounds rougher, less polished, in this song. The rhythm section is solid, as usual. Listening to ‘Mess of me’ is like having the sand blown off an island exposing buried treasure chests. It makes a near perfect song that exposes the inner workings of a great album and a great band in the making.

We are lucky to live in a day and age when we can participate in this kind of social dialog about sexual abuse. It can only make us feel better about who we are as people, and as a result, I imagine would make us a better community. It's scary to talk about sexual abuse, given the culture of abuse we live in and the increased awareness of it. It’s so easy to be frightened by things I feel and wonder if they're normal or just another manifestation of my psychosis. And it really feels good to hear another person say those things, and out loud for us all to hear! Not that it makes it okay, it’s just that there are more people out there who have felt similar things they couldn't explain. People are capable of bad things and I, like most humans, feel a sense of anger and sadness when I read about "bad things" being committed against fellow humans especially to people I know. If someone close to me was touched inappropriately, well, I don't think murder would be that too far from my mind.

Abuse can be defined as "improper or excessive use or treatment". Something that is emotionally exhausting and anxiety ridden and very controlling at worst, especially if the person or victim has faced it very often. Of all crimes known to mankind, sexual abuse must be considered the worst for it leaves an innocent plus a victim to fend for themselves after being violated. It’s the height of arrogance by anyone. It’s a violation of the spirit that suggests that there is no credibility at all for which one human can honor another.

I know everyone was expecting a light-hearted post, but this is something that has been weighing on my mind and I figured the best thing to do was to write about it.

Oh Switchfoot. You make life worth living.

Yes, after something real serious, we’ve finally gotten back on track around here, but before we get to the music, a word of warning. It’s the week of audits, which means working overtime, worrying overtime and eating fast-food. So there’s a good chance that sometime during tonight, I’ll be lost to whatever you call it when you mix a heart attack and a coma.

That said; let’s get on with the music! For those of you who don’t know this, admittedly, I’m a huge fan of Switchfoot. It’s nice to have these boys back on EC with my second favorite song – ‘Meant to live’ off ‘The Beautiful Letdown’ album.

‘We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life’

And that’s the week. As always, any questions about something, you know where to leave it.

8 more days to Nagaland....

Hittin the Silver

It’s September 24th, or as we like to call it in my family, Christmas II. It’s on this very date back in 1983; I made my debut as a new member of the family. Sorry. I must rephrase- two babies made their debut as new members to the family unit, to what I am assured were mixed reviews. My mum wanted my older sister to have a companion but unfortunately there were two of us, so my older sis, any which ways, ended up being alone. Little did my folks know that their little bundle of face-kicking joy would grow up to achieve an incredibly tiny amount of sub cultural fame by writing about her life and music on the internet.

Which, needless to say, I’m totally doing again tonight.

Like a lot of literary and culturally rooted internet- confident girls in their mid–sigh–twenties without really great musical talent, I spend a lot of my time dreaming of being in a band and making it big. I mean, there’s always a chance, no matter how small, that I could go out on some dark night and meet the devil who would offer to get me all famous at the cost of my soul. And of course, in a couple of days I’d be, in this progressively imaginary situation, really famous- playing with this awesome band and climbing the world charts like wild fire. What I don’t think about, is the name of my band or the kind of music I’d actually be playing. Having the actual talent helps too, but since I’m playing ‘imagine this’ I can let that go.

We’re getting close to the end of the day, and as my birthday fades over the horizon, for my friends reading this- you can finally stop worrying about what you’re going to buy for me- it’s over and I loved the gifts and the wishes and the attention.

And really what better way to spend your birthday than to listen to music with people I love. It’s proof that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.

Okay, folks: I like Switchfoot as much as the next person–or let’s be honest here, way, way more than the next person but I’ll admit their last two albums didn’t really blow me away. Since I’m a huge fan of the band and their album ‘The Beautiful Letdown’ here’s ‘Dare you to move’.
It’s the song I was born to sing.

And that wraps it up for today. As always, I’ll be back soon with updates and music. In the meantime, if you’ve thought of a name for my band, feel free to mention it below.

P:S - I also happen to share my birthday with two AWESOME people, my friend Benny from the good ol’ party days and Sam, the go-to-guy. So I will have to eat two large slices of cake today in honor of them. Plus one to grow on.

mmmmmmm, cake.

‘Happy B’day to ME!’

**mumble mumble** Damn youngsters! Stay off my property!!

Attempts to Heal Myself

I got up at noon and that was the best sleep I’ve had in months. Had breakfast and checked Facebook for awhile. Caught up with my sis. Haven’t seen her all week. Moving- out- day is coming very close and I still have to let my parents know about the decision. Today was pretty uneventful. Cleaned my room and watched The Bank Job.

I generally write when I’ve got something bothering me and writing it out is a way for me to find expression for the unease, pressure or rage I feel. I’d prefer writing things I’ve experienced, with the intention of being objective, where the magic is between the lines. I need to do more of that.

This guy I like came online today. Somehow we don’t talk like we used to anymore. Maybe he expected that a night of fun would just be that. Apparently, I took things seriously and I seemed to have scared him away. God, I miss him. Kind of inspiring in a way that he left to do something he was passionate about. But also not. I’ll bet he hurt a lot of people. But it’s okay because he’s an artist, right? Or is it okay because we all hurt people even if we try not to? Why do I wonder? Whywhywhywhywhy. Whinewhinewhine.

So if you e-mail somebody a few times and he doesn't respond. There are three possibilities:

Possibility No. 1 - It doesn't matter if you send multiple mails or messages and get him irritated. He wasn't interested in you to begin with. Then he deserves the annoyance for being absolutely inconsiderate.

Possibility No. 2 - Eventually he gets to your many messages and responds since he is your soul mate.

Possibility No. 3 – If he never gets to your mails, well, you're just fucked and not in a good way.
Of course, if he still hasn’t written to you it’s cause he’s been so busy with something important and he finally checks his mail and sees the many messages from this total psycho who seemed kind of charming and funny at first but is clearly not someone he wants in his life?
Not that any of this is going through my head.

But if, by chance, you are reading this and still remember the drunken night at 13th Floor then please mail me.

Last Saturday at Taika’s was pretty insane. I’ve never seen a club packed so full of people dancing to Boney M. The crowd at most of these clubs is so funny. You have your regular clubber types… then your sloppy drunk types… and finally the most entertaining bunch… the middle aged types. I don’t know where I fall in. Used to belong to the first group a long time ago, now I think with a sufficient amount of alcohol in my body it’ll be the second type. I saw a guy in pajamas. Wish I had taken my camera with me.

I need to give my drum sticks away. They stare at me quite cruelly, a constant reminder of an unaccomplished passion. I figure if the sticks are just going to be sitting here, I should give it to someone who would actually put them to use.

I’m sick of being depressed. How do people who are happy stay happy? How do they ignore all the shit that happens in the world and not feel guilty? I really want to know and be like them.
I wish I was a better Christian. I think I’d be a lot happier.

Switchfoot's 'Only Hope':

Music and Moi!

It’s amazing how music is linked so much to my life. There are so many songs that are magically and inextricably linked to my experiences. Hearing a song takes me back to an entirely different time and place. Goo Goo Dolls’ ‘Iris’ is the song that takes me back to the hours I spent with this guy who I had my first humongous crush on. The George Michael song- ‘Freedom’- is a victory song after I had broken up with my first boyfriend. ‘Man Who Sold the World’ is for when I spent all my time at this shady pub that I still call home. ‘Let’s Stay Together’ is the day I spent with the man I loved and we listened to Al Green over and over and over again. I’m not even going to tell you about Tom Jones’ ‘Sex Bomb’ even while that will leave you in a laughing fit. Switchfoot’s album ‘The Beautiful Letdown’ isn’t the best album in the world but it does border on amazing for me. I listened to it the day I thought I would just curl up and die- that album practically saved me. Gary Moore’s ‘Still Got the Blues’ and Whitesnake’s ‘Is This Love’ are in my all time top five, but part of that is because of its associations with some of my wildest times during college. ‘VNV Nation’ is for that overnight journey I took with my crew from work (Srikant, Shreyas, Runa, Ruan, Jenn- my wonder woman- U guys are crazy fun!) I can’t separate music from my life or my life from music, and that, for me, makes both of them so ridiculously amazing!