Written on Fri, 10-10-08

Yikes, this has to be a quick one so I can sneak in between the sheets before midnight.

I survived ending things with my ex. It was long overdue.

I spent the first hour closing my eyes and praying that what he said wouldn’t affect my head.

I spent the next hour and a half messaging Mr. Flirt while I devoured a tub of ice cream.

In between, I wished my twin was around and not with her boyfriend in another state.

The whole evening was horrifyingly bizarre that I didn't really know what to do with myself afterwards, other than run to Mr. Flirt and talking to him seemed like the best thing to do at the exact moment when my self-esteem was least prepared to deal with the throbbing.

When I met my ex- Mr. Bollywood, the one with the anger management problem- I was lonely and bored and getting into a relationship with him just seemed so much better than sitting in front of the TV all night long. It's a vicious catch-22, and I've caught myself in it many times over the years. It seems as though companionship became more important to me than the way I was treated. Sometimes, I would just convince myself that I was making a big deal out of nothing and give it another go. Hope, or at least delusion, springs eternal. And when I ended things today it seemed like quite a relief to be out of that psyching game.

I need a holiday, frankly, and bizarre as it may seem, this is it. Sorry folks, this is all simply an expression of my own escapism, a fleeing from my life. Instead of lazing on a beach or walking through picturesque valleys I'm twiddling letters on a website. Perverse, no? What kind of vacation is that? Well right now I think change will be as good as rest.

What is it I'm looking for today?
What am I lost without?
Sitting despondent in front of my laptop,
Tossing out this painful rubbish?
Ah, don't worry about it, this mood won't stay for long.
Tomorrow is... oh, you know.

That's it for now, anyway. The road ahead is looking awkward indeed. Three more days in ill-fitting drag; sigh, that's not so many.

Last evening, fellow blogger, Meenakshi Reddy- the compulsive confessor, read from her book ‘You are here’, that I think is attention-grabbing and pretty amusing. It was really nice to meet her at the reading and she looked quite fabulous.

To the man who deserves nothing more than this song. Kate Perry sure did say it well- ‘You’re so gay’…

Shouting at the Dead

I’ve got to mention a gorgeous little gentleman (GIG) and while I'm at it I should mention that he rescued me from an awful day. We’ve seen each other at events and chatted a bit but never really spoken before. So, we met up yesterday and discussed Jim Morrison (Yum!), Women’s movement, Tamil and the ex I was trying to avoid looking at. I will spare you the description of the convulsions that racked my mind as I contemplated whether I should walk up and say hi to my ex or not to. GIG kept looking at my straying eyes and to drag me back to reality, he raised his voice and all was well- he had my full attention. But after a minute or so I would try sneaking a peek again and GIG would repeat the same exercise.

After awhile I figured he had had enough of my distraction and asked me if we could leave. I finally gathered up the courage, went up to my ex and said hi. After that was done, GIG took me to the parking lot and just when he was about to take out his bike, he asks me if I wanted pani puri… It’s been ages since I’ve eaten chat, so I said yes.
Apparently, the guy serving us knew GIG so he said something to him in Tamil that made GIG blush! Something about me… I didn’t bother to ask for a translation.

I got a call from an old friend. She’s working on Vodafone’s new advertising campaign. She needs interesting faces. Asked my twin and me to make it. Got to go for a screening first. Will let you know how that goes.

I am in love with him and can’t deal with the fact that he’s moving on to someone new. Every time we see each other I manage to have a smile plastered on my face. This of course was made more difficult by my constant uncertainty about whether me smiling like that would come across as just plain creepy. As soon as he would walk away I would commit ritual suicide in my head because I don’t really know what else I can do to put myself out of my misery. I’d jump out of my balcony but I’m only on the first floor so I don’t suppose I’d cause myself much damage. Pesky things infatuations can be!

"Miles away,
No; you're never turnin' back,
I just can't wait anymore
Miles away,
Nothin' left of what we had,
Just when I needed you most...
You were miles away..."

- 'Miles Away' by Winger