Written on Fri, 10-10-08

Yikes, this has to be a quick one so I can sneak in between the sheets before midnight.

I survived ending things with my ex. It was long overdue.

I spent the first hour closing my eyes and praying that what he said wouldn’t affect my head.

I spent the next hour and a half messaging Mr. Flirt while I devoured a tub of ice cream.

In between, I wished my twin was around and not with her boyfriend in another state.

The whole evening was horrifyingly bizarre that I didn't really know what to do with myself afterwards, other than run to Mr. Flirt and talking to him seemed like the best thing to do at the exact moment when my self-esteem was least prepared to deal with the throbbing.

When I met my ex- Mr. Bollywood, the one with the anger management problem- I was lonely and bored and getting into a relationship with him just seemed so much better than sitting in front of the TV all night long. It's a vicious catch-22, and I've caught myself in it many times over the years. It seems as though companionship became more important to me than the way I was treated. Sometimes, I would just convince myself that I was making a big deal out of nothing and give it another go. Hope, or at least delusion, springs eternal. And when I ended things today it seemed like quite a relief to be out of that psyching game.

I need a holiday, frankly, and bizarre as it may seem, this is it. Sorry folks, this is all simply an expression of my own escapism, a fleeing from my life. Instead of lazing on a beach or walking through picturesque valleys I'm twiddling letters on a website. Perverse, no? What kind of vacation is that? Well right now I think change will be as good as rest.

What is it I'm looking for today?
What am I lost without?
Sitting despondent in front of my laptop,
Tossing out this painful rubbish?
Ah, don't worry about it, this mood won't stay for long.
Tomorrow is... oh, you know.

That's it for now, anyway. The road ahead is looking awkward indeed. Three more days in ill-fitting drag; sigh, that's not so many.

Last evening, fellow blogger, Meenakshi Reddy- the compulsive confessor, read from her book ‘You are here’, that I think is attention-grabbing and pretty amusing. It was really nice to meet her at the reading and she looked quite fabulous.

To the man who deserves nothing more than this song. Kate Perry sure did say it well- ‘You’re so gay’…