To Runa,

Written on 04 March

Saturday today, and I'm feeling lethargic. Very lethargic. I’ve got bills to pay, friends to meet, a room floor to clean, books that I badly want to read...but I just don't want to budge. I sit by my computer; watch Law & Order Season 8 (P.S. It’s particularly good. Mariska Hargitay is terrific and Chris Meloni is certainly an interesting actor to watch), and read the news.
I dream of running a marathon, but don't do nearly enough exercises to make it through the first five minutes. Not that I would run a marathon even if I were in form. Where does one run a marathon here anyway? Maybe I could go to the store. Maybe I could tear myself from this desk and start with the messy floor and work my way to an appetite.
Maybes. Life today is packed with maybes. What am I going to do? Where will I be one year from now? What will I accomplish a couple of hours from now?

Friday began a little badly. A slight hiccup and tears during the beginning of the day. But never mind, it got better. I had a nice lunch with some of the other colleagues for the first time, as in nice conversation but not so great. Runa’s left the company. She gave in her papers last month and we all knew this was coming but we just didn’t anticipate how much we’d actually miss her.

Later on in the evening, we went to a lounge bar for dinner and a little alcohol therapy. Runa (a very famous name here on my blog) and I have the kind of friendship that endures hurdles. We talk about everything with no unease, no spiritless conversation. Several years ago when I noticed how a few friends of mine had grown distant and ultimately faded away only to hear from them on Christmases and birthdays, in some way I hoped Runa and I would be friends for a very long time, for always. And especially in the last month I kept reminding her that we must never lose touch all the while holding back tears that kept rushing forward. The good person that she is didn't laugh; she saw how serious I was and in her own way told me that I need never worry where she was concerned.

And this is how Friday ended: I lay in bed - very buzzed - opened my mind to those wonderful moments we had shared through college and work, and then let the alcohol do its job. I managed to wake up a little past eleven o'clock on Saturday to wash my face and brush my teeth, and to write this.

Runa, I'm lucky to have a friend like you who cares for me so damn much. You are so beautiful and so full of grace. I don't think I've met anyone as gifted as you, or anyone with such varied interests. All our years together, I've enjoyed talking to you about writing, books, men, music and love. You’ve been a splendid friend - wise beyond your years, kind, thoughtful, and blessed with the ability to converse with just about anyone. Thank you. Not merely for the gift of the years of friendship but also for putting up with me through rolling eyes, flaring tempers and impulsive choices. Thank you for being around when I most needed you.

In the ability of being competent to talk about what interests and inspirations are so clearly evident, I am always trying to keep myself in touch with as much music as possible. There's so much out there, it's enough to get you feeling a bit tense, however, I'm surfing through it one artist at a time.

After waiting for months for this album by James Morisson, I wasn't really sure if I'd want to hear it for concern of understanding that it might not be what I was hoping...which the case wasn’t as this album is something as wonderful and musically clever as his previous albums with the grace just short of a masterpiece. At this point I'd say that what I was looking forward to hear didn’t disappoint at all. There's not a song that obviously stands out apart from the rest and there is also positively not a track that should have been removed. It really is rather a relatively good album, melodically as well as lyrically. I'd like to think that most people like what they listen to because it sincerely calls to them. And this one does to me.

For you, Runa. To this day, I marvel at how our years together made me respect you because you totally defined what a good friend should be like. Love you!

James Morrison with ‘You make it real’

Return from Vacationing

It's been two days since I returned from Pondicherry. I've just about finished sorting out my pictures and I’ve buckled down to write a short review of my trip. At least the baggage has been unpacked, though some of the stuff is spread across my room floor. I've also got to clean up the mess I left before I went on my trip, which includes mail, CDs and books.

Of course, the CDs and books should be a pleasure to deal with.

I'm finally home from my awfully splendid adventure in Pondicherry. Frankly, it's rather modest when compared to the journey of travelers I met along the way, but to me, it was more than splendid. I spent a little over three days in a place I'd never been to before; I walked, swam, ate, visited museums, roamed, gossiped, drank, bought books and danced; and I spent a lot of time on my own. I'd never had a journey - physical or emotional - like this one before. There were many things I did that I hadn't done very often, if at all. One of them was studying the place and the people around me and I saw many things I didn't before. It's true; we fail to remember to marvel at ourselves, the living that fills the area between oceans and mountains.

Travel is about taking on new experiences: food you've never eaten, languages you've never spoken, religious and historical stories you've never even heard of. To decline any offer at all — a spontaneous invitation to a rave near the outskirts in Pondicherry, a swig of some wine at the beach — is to deny the very spirit of adventure, and so I declined nothing.

It was hard to leave Pondi and return to B’lore where I need to get back to the old routine. I hardly used the computer during the long weekend; now I'm back to reading the news, blogs and music reviews. But I’m glad I impulsively took off for a holiday. I was thinking about how to fill a void that had been created sometime before. There were things missing in my life, and I needed something really different from my ordinary life. And I got what I needed on this journey. I experienced plenty of lonely, worrying moments, but also discovered much happiness and indulged my curiosity. I knew that my heart had returned to me at last, or perhaps it was that I had returned to it. And I'm glad it happened at the start of summer.

Within walking distance of the Aurobindo Ashram, one of Pondi’s French styled colonies. It's a beautiful pavement you can't quite miss, and it fits so perfectly with the rest of the architecture in this part of the city. When I first saw it, I stopped in my tracks. This was the first stop my traveling companions and I made upon entering the city. I rather wished B’lore could have roads like this.

Travel Tip: Hide money strategically in various places of your bags and in your underwear.
Which has to make you wonder- has all the cash at one point been cleverly concealed in someone's underwear??

The track that I’m playing here today has incidentally been on repeat in my playlist for the past few days. It’s from the soundtrack of “Once”. It's a sad one, and if you've read this blog long enough, you'll know that sad songs are the kind that hit me hardest.

Listen to it here and make of it what you will.

And since I love twist of fate and chance connections, I have to mention that it wasn't until my friend talked about "Once - How often do you find the right person?" and how much he loved it that I decided I should get round to watching it. The movie is set in Dublin and is about two struggling artists, whose performances are passionate and so wonderfully real. The movie is so authentic that it makes the experience of watching it, quite unexpected. It's about that one chance that’s being pushed at you or one that is subtly offered up and is then taken away. Fate is amusing and crazy that way and so songs like these describe it all. It gives a nice tune to something that could possibly be tragic.

For the Neighbours

Crowded House’s ‘Weather with you’, is cranked on my speakers right now because its how I feel. Last week, my neighbors told me that they haven’t heard a sound from me lately. As I turn up the volume dial I question whether I’m overstepping my luck. It’s like I stepped out into the darkness of a cool night. My nerves are on fire. It’s eight, I haven’t had a bite to eat since two, but I’m too much preoccupied to eat.

I feel like I could go on writing for days and days and days and days. Maybe I’m just happy to have something to write about. Maybe I’m just happy to feel this way again even in the face of so much uncertainty around me.

I was talking to one of the exes the other day and the subject of my single status came up. It used to trouble me when I wasn’t dating anyone. I did everything I could to stay in a relationship, no matter how destructive it was and was successful until mid last year. For some reason though, I have recently stopped caring about being in a relationship. “You must be really happy”, my ex said, “If something that big doesn’t bother you anymore”.

It was true, but I never realized it until I spoke to him. All the fine things in life have easily overshadowed the terrible. There isn’t a single thing that I can point at and explain why, but it’s happened — steadily with time — over last year or so. I’ve become very comfortable with myself. I’m happy with who I am. The self- belief I’ve acquired, my luck in having great friends, the freedom my folks have given me have all contributed I’m sure. The small things don’t bother me anymore, and almost everything is a small thing. I still lose sight of the big picture every now and then and get into one of my moods, but they don’t last as long as they used to.

I don’t want to rely on tabs, or alcohol, or anything at all to make myself feel better. I want to be sure that I can handle things, no matter what, on my own. I force myself to feel every traumatic, unhappy, sad emotion, so that I know that I can get through them.

Sometimes, every day can be a test. Music and writing are the only things that I allow myself.

And that’s where I love to be.

Getting back to the music- every song is a time stamp. A point in life, made obvious by the particular moment that it’s first heard in. In this instant, the setting, conditions, and sentiment all become connected.
There’s a song for everything, from a single moment — like your high school graduation — to an entire year — like making love to the person who held your world at his fingertip.

Perhaps my childhood is such a blur because I never started listening to music until I was about 15; there was no way my mind could relate to experiences.
It’s time I turned up the music. It’s time I put some food in my stomach. It’s time I got myself in the shower. It’s time I got some Law & Order and it’s time you hit play on the track below.

‘Weather with you’ by Crowded House.

Divine Connection

This is shaping up to be a pretty awesome day. My new favorite person on the planet is Meren, as he found me the album of my new favourite band from nagaland- ‘Divine Connection’. I called my parents, my sister, my bro-in-law, told my friends, updated my status message on Facebook, and then proceeded to drown in the music of El Roi all day.

Meren, was the organizer of the Naga Nite event in Bangalore and while we hardly know each other he took me real serious when I expressed my NEED to have the CD. I am now sopping in my strong reliance in the human race, save for a few idiots who were born to make life difficult. Those guys can eat %^&*#.

And going back to DC, once I realized what this album really is I appreciated it so much more than when I first heard their music. This is a perfect, unblemished album. At the beginning it sounds impressively like something I’ve heard, and loved, before. I can’t quite place what their sound reminds me of, but it feels comfortable and good. I really feel like once the guitar kicks in it sounds like something my dream band would’ve recorded.
The music, the lyrics, and the melodies are unrepentantly one hundred percent fresh, trademarked Divine Connection. Once you realize these four mates put together ten solid songs, and you realize they’re not reaching for places that they didn’t really belong, you’ll understand that ‘El Roi’ (The power that sees) is the perfect album for DC.

Please listen to the track below, you will not be disappointed. It’s ‘Tell me who’ from their album ‘El Roi’. I’ve seen DC perform this number live and if I had to use one word to describe this performance it would be ‘exceptional.’ Right from the day I saw Obed Kath perform he has since held my mind captive. It’s as if his voice demands that I listen to what he’s saying, even if it’s a song about Ants. There’s a certain compelling quality to his voice, a sense of importance that says “if you don’t listen, you just might lose the best thing in your life.” And so I listen, and so should you. He really is a great vocalist, and believe me, he has great stage presence as well.

That’s all I got for today. Tomorrow, it’s back to work until Thursday. Nothing too exciting or thrilling, but its money, honey, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 25 years, it’s that love and day dreams don’t pay for shopping. It will, however, give the guy you’ve been eyeing for months something to think about at night, and what’s not to like about that?
If you can tell me a better way to spend a late Monday summer night than in bed after a cold shower with your hair still wet and Divine Connection’s new CD playing along then, I’d love to hear it.

I’ve had these thoughts fixed in my mind for a while now.

True love doesn’t really exist.

I reckon that’s terribly skeptical of me to say, but I need evidence that it is possible today.

I wish I could actually believe that it exists. Maybe that’s why love stories are so famous and why they’re so many of them. Hollywood or Bollywood makes us believe that love exists.
It’s always the same story, boy meets girl, they falls in love and live happily ever after.

But love doesn’t exist in true color, as much as I want to believe that it does.

I guess, not for me, anyway.

Even though it went up to being quite warm today, the morning started cold and calm. It made me strangely subdued when I left home to catch my cab. Something about the weather that reminded me of how consoling it can be to feel cheerless. I can’t even explain the cause of my poignancy, and can only guess that comprehension and acknowledgement are resting within me. My only saving grace is that I feel sufficiently convinced to accept it and get on with it.

As the day drags on, things start to wear me down. Tiredness and looking at the computer screen far too long, dries my eyes. I kept trying to get a hold of what was happening, kept trying to hide my groaning despondency from those about me and I think I was quite successful at this game of pretence.

Fortunately, I have a smile in my wardrobe for days like these.
‘Dear Jason Wade,

I feel obliged to write you a short and honest letter here on the web. If I was capable of it, I would’ve gone back in history to 1999 and left this note in your journal or your book of lyrics, but sadly we weren’t in the same continent, did not attend the same school, and traveling back in time is impossible (hmmm… unless I were Dr. Manhattan, which would mean I’d be naked, blue and absolutely smart…which sounds too good to be true). So this scanty little space on the web will have to be enough.

Never change. Stay the same forever. Keep making music that’s as good as or better than your most recent album ‘Who we are’. It sounds like twelve soundtracks put together with perfect rhythm, chord progression, happiness, and whatever smiles and hope sounds like. The first time I heard your music you changed my life forever and I hope that your music continues to get to me the way you always do.’
If you’re going to listen to this song, turn the lights down, or at least close your eyes. Remove yourself of any other noise. Breathe slowly for 30 seconds before playing it. This song deserves it. You deserve it.

Do stay tuned for more great music coming soon this summer. Be aware, there is so much more good music in this world so do not limit yourself.

Check back often.

‘Broken’ by Lifehouse.